Pillow Talk

A Lesson in Non-Resistance

I want to talk about pillows…and a helpful metaphor they revealed to me this week. I’ve been on a search for the perfect pillow since my current pillows became lumpy and slightly uncomfortable. I’ve had them a while, and apparently, I’ve washed them a few too many times because they’ve lost their fluffy softness.

A few weeks ago, when a dear friend from Atlanta came to visit, she brought her own pillow. It was a cute little memory foam pillow that she raved about. Pillows that are exceptionally big or firm have never worked for me. If this little pillow was that good, maybe I should try one like it.

After she left, I searched for one similar on Amazon and ordered it.

I was so excited when it arrived two days later. Unfortunately, the excitement was short-lived. Even though it felt okay when I put my head on it, the next morning I woke up with quite a pain in the neck. So much for my theory that a small, thin foam pillow would be just the thing for a side-sleeper like me.

I gave it one more chance the following night, but again, I woke up with a stiff neck and a headache. In fact, one of the muscles in the back of my neck was so angry, it flared up and caused headaches throughout the week. This little pillow had to be returned.

Thankfully, the Kohl’s store near me has an Amazon return center. As many of you probably know, if you return something there, your return receipt includes a 20% off coupon to shop in the store that day. Their marketing worked. Since I was there, I decided to check out their pillow selection.

What luck! They were having a sale on all of their pillows that week! I must have spent at least half an hour squishing, pressing, and smooshing all the different types and brands of pillows they had. Still suffering from that headache, I wanted one that would support my head, but not at a strange angle.

Eventually, I found one that felt very soft but still supportive. The packaging claimed it conformed to all sleep positions…back, side, or stomach. It seemed like the Shangri-La of pillows…so with the sale and my 20% off coupon, I decided to buy two.

I was so confident I had found the perfect pillows that when I got home, I recycled the plastic bags they came in. I was committed to these down alternative pillows. Alas, the next morning, my neck tension and that nasty headache returned with a vengeance. Were these Shangri-La pillows no better than the one I returned to Amazon?

Later that day, I took a break from work and lay down on my bed to try and release my headache. I did my best to relax and be fully present as my head rested on one of the new pillows. That’s when I noticed a slight amount of resistance against my head as the pillow worked to retain its “ever fluff” shape. It was subtle, but I could feel tension in my neck muscles as they tried to help my head drop into the pillow. It was actually making my headache worse!

That’s when the metaphor hit me. Whenever I feel resistance, that’s when I suffer. When something happens that I don’t like, I can spend time wishing it didn’t happen or think of a thousand reasons why it shouldn’t have happened. But that’s never helpful. It only makes me feel worse.

Or, I can accept the fact that it did happen. Acknowledge how uncomfortable or painful it is, and then open myself up to guidance on how to move forward. I have learned this lesson many times. Resisting what is happening only delays my relief. Like it or not, it’s happening. So what can I do about it from here?

And it seems my pillows were trying to teach me the same lesson. Now it was clear. I need a pillow with no resistance. One that lets my big heavy head sink in completely without pushing back…causing my neck muscles to activate and, later, pain and suffering.

Who knows? Maybe my recent pillow quest will help this lesson sink in!

When I stop resisting what is, and come to a place of acceptance, then I can open myself to guidance on how to move forward. But if I continue to rail against what is happening or tell myself continually that this shouldn’t be happening, I block the part of me that can receive that direction.

Please don’t mistake the practice of surrender and acceptance for weakness or passivity. Non-resistance doesn’t mean we let people walk all over us or stay silent in the face of injustice. There are certainly times when we need to speak up and express our dissatisfaction.

But I have learned that the first step in making any positive change is to accept what is happening in the current moment. Then, from a level-headed and heart-centered place, I am able to assess and discern the best course of action rather than waste time trying to figure out why this is happening or wishing things were different.

My pillow quest has a happy ending. I went back to Kohl’s to return the pillows only to discover an even better sale! Now many of their pillows were “buy one, get one half off.” With my new awareness of the importance of non-resistance, I found two pillows on sale that did not promise that they worked for every sleep style or that they would maintain their shape.

I’m happy to report that, on my first night with these new pillows, I felt nothing but comfort and peace. Without that resistance, my neck muscles have relaxed, and I’ve slept like a teenager ever since.

If you could use some assistance in the area of acceptance and non-resistance, it would be my great honor to support you (like a good pillow) with a series of Spiritual Coaching sessions or a private Family Constellations session. Both can help you shift your perspective so resistance fades and flow returns. Please visit my website for more information about these healing opportunities and to schedule a session.

Until next time, may you remember that the Universe wants to support you in every way just like the perfect pillow.

In quietness are all things answered, and is every problem quietly resolved. In conflict there can be no answer and no resolution, for its purpose is to make no resolution possible, and to ensure no answer will be plain.

A Course in Miracles ~ T-27.IV.1:1-2